#48

Everytime you see a rainbow, God is having gay sex.

#47

#46

#45

A man and a little girl are walking in the forest. The girl looks up at the man and says, "It sure is scary out here!", to which the man responds, "You think you're scared. I have to walk back home alone.."

#44

#43

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

#42

Happy Geek Pride Day!!

And for all my friends that understand why this note HAD to be number #42 kudos to you!
Me love you long time! xD

#41

• Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.

• Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

• Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

• Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

• Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

• Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

• Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

• Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewellery."

• Piñatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.

#40

Nerds make me horny.

#39

#38

If you were my homework i'd do you on the kitchen table.

#37

#36

Two travelling monks reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the monks hesitated, but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed.

As the monks continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. "Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"

"Brother," the second monk replied, "I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."

#35

#34

• Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

• Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

• The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.

• The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

• When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

• When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

• When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

• The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

• In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.

#33

We are having hot lesbian sex.

And by "lesbian sex" we mean tea.

But it's still hot!

#32

One day while walking through the wilderness a man stumbled upon a vicious tiger. He ran but soon came to the edge of a high cliff.
Desperate to save himself, he climbed down a vine and dangled over the fatal precipice.
As he hung there, two mice appeared from a hole in the cliff and began gnawing on the vine.
Suddenly, he noticed on the vine a plump wild strawberry. He plucked it and popped it in his mouth. It was incredibly delicious!

#31

#30

Smile!

It makes people wondering what you've been up to.

#29

#28

Feliz dia da Sapateira, Joana! <3 

#27

#26

• Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

• Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

• When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

• If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef!

• Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

• Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

• Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

• Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

#25

#24

A farmer got so old that he couldn't work the fields anymore. So he would spend the day just sitting on the porch.
His son, still working the farm, would look up from time to time and see his father sitting there. "He's of no use any more," the son thought to himself, "he doesn't do anything!".

One day the son got so frustrated by this, that he built a wood coffin, dragged it over to the porch, and told his father to get in. Without saying anything, the father climbed inside.
After closing the lid, the son dragged the coffin to the edge of the farm where there was a high cliff.
As he approached the drop, he heard a light tapping on the lid from inside the coffin. He opened it up. Still lying there peacefully, the father looked up at his son.

"I know you are going to throw me over the cliff, but before you do, may I suggest something?"
"What is it?" replied the son.
"Throw me over the cliff, if you like," said the father, "but save this good wood coffin; Your children might need to use it."