#23

Mathematical beauty

#22

#21

I have never killed a man, but i have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

#20

Spoiler: Jesus dies.

#19

<3

#18

• Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

• Chuck Norris is the reason why Wally is hiding.

• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

• Chuck Norris can speak braille.

• Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

• Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

• If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

• Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

• There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

#17

The stone cutter


There was once a stone cutter who was dissatisfied with himself and with his position in life.

One day he passed a wealthy merchant's house. Through the open gateway, he saw many fine possessions and important visitors. "How powerful that merchant must be!" thought the stone cutter. He became very envious and wished that he could be like the merchant.

To his great surprise, he suddenly became the merchant, enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever imagined, but envied and detested by those less wealthy than himself. Soon a high official passed by, carried in a sedan chair, accompanied by attendants and escorted by soldiers beating gongs. Everyone, no matter how wealthy, had to bow low before the procession. "How powerful that official is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a high official!"

Then he became the high official, carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair, feared and hated by the people all around. It was a hot summer day, so the official felt very uncomfortable in the sticky sedan chair. He looked up at the sun. It shone proudly in the sky, unaffected by his presence. "How powerful the sun is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the sun!"

Then he became the sun, shining fiercely down on everyone, scorching the fields, cursed by the farmers and labourers. But a huge black cloud moved between him and the earth, so that his light could no longer shine on everything below. "How powerful that storm cloud is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a cloud!"

Then he became the cloud, flooding the fields and villages, shouted at by everyone. But soon he found that he was being pushed away by some great force, and realized that it was the wind. "How powerful it is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the wind!"

Then he became the wind, blowing tiles off the roofs of houses, uprooting trees, feared and hated by all below him. But after a while, he ran up against something that would not move, no matter how forcefully he blew against it - a huge, towering rock. "How powerful that rock is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a rock!"

Then he became the rock, more powerful than anything else on earth. But as he stood there, he heard the sound of a hammer pounding a chisel into the hard surface, and felt himself being changed. "What could be more powerful than I, the rock?" he thought.

He looked down and saw far below him the figure of a stone cutter.

#16

If you're reading this message then i have somehow managed to gain control of your mind.



Muahahah

#15

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

#14

Brett: No, no, I just want you to know... I just want you to know how sorry we are that things got so fucked up with us and Mr. Wallace. We got into this thing with the best intentions and I never...

[Jules shoots the man on the couch]

Jules: I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about best intentions. What's the matter? Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. What does Marsellus Wallace look like?

Brett: What?

Jules: What country are you from?

Brett: What? What? Wh - ?

Jules: "What" ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?

Brett: What?

Jules: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO-YOU-SPEAK-IT?

Brett: Yes! Yes!

Jules: Then you know what I'm sayin'!

Brett: Yes!

Jules: Describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like!

Brett: What?

Jules: Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more Goddamn time!

Brett: He's b-b-black...

Jules: Go on.

Brett: He's bald...

Jules: Does he look like a bitch?

Brett: What?

[Jules shoots Brett in shoulder]

Jules: DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?

Brett: No!

Jules: Then why you try to fuck him like a bitch, Brett?

Brett: I didn't.

Jules: Yes you did. Yes you did, Brett. You tried to fuck him. And Marsellus Wallace don't like to be fucked by anybody, except Mrs. Wallace.

#13

Make me purr 

#12

I live in my own little world, but it's ok; they know me here.

#11

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat:
cut it.


Alfred Hitchcock

#10

"Tattooed in places you'd love to lick"

#9

Hey mom there's something in the backroom
I hope its not the creatures from above
You used to read me stories
As if my dreams were boring
We all know conspiracies are dumb


Aliens Exist - Blink 182

#8

#7

Soft kitty, warm kitty,
little ball of fur
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty,
purr, purr, purr

#6

What bees make milk?
BOO-BEES!

#5

#4

Geeks favourite pickup line:
Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform?

#3

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.

#2

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.


Mary Elizabeth Frye

#1

What is funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!