• The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
• The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris; The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
• It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
• We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
• Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
• When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
• What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
• Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
